The Art of the Shot

“ Let’s do a shot.”

Are there four words in the drunkard’s vocabulary more heartening than those? Four simple words, yet so packed with drama and purpose. It can be an invitation to bond with friends and strangers alike. An instant shared experience. A way of marking an occasion, of saying hello, good luck, congratulations, better luck next time, and so long. An opportunity to become blood brothers, if only as long as the same booze courses through your veins. If sharing a beer with a friend can be called the equivalent of a friendly walk in the park, then doing a shot is akin to storming a fortified bunker together-—it’s more dangerous, yes, but also more exciting.

Too often, however, this venerable ritual is executed as a mechanical event, like the lighting of a cigarette, or worse, as a bit of unpleasantness one must occasionally suffer when amongst friends. Others think it requires a special occasion, and those are the same people who only call their mothers on Mother’s Day.

The fact of the matter is, doing a shot requires no occasion at all, because, properly executed, it is an occasion.



The Five Steps of Doing a Shot

The Count

Before you hoist the flag, you have to determine who shall march under it. You have three options.

The One on One: The most intimate of shots, it is an opportunity for two friends to make a personal connection, and to insulate themselves from the rest of the crowd.

The Gang’s All Here: A group shot with the inner core of your social circle, serving to bond the gang together.

The Free For All: This two-tray extravaganza includes friends and acquaintances alike, and perhaps some strangers. Usually reserved for special occasions, such as birthdays and holidays.

Before you make your decision, know this: an invitation to a shot is a form of compliment; forgetting to invite someone can be a grave insult. If you find yourself surrounded by many shades of friends and acquaintances, it can be a little tricky. If you’re unsure whether to by a peripheral pal a shot, ask yourself this question: Is he likely to buy you one back?



The Call

You’ve made your count and it’s time to hoist the flag. But how high? If you shout it out and raise it high, you may draw unwanted volunteers. Choose your volume and language carefully. You can be as selective as, “Let’s you and me do a shot,” or “We four are doing a shot,” or as democratic as, “Who wants to do a shot?”

By hoisting the flag, you’ve volunteered yourself as shot master—it is now your responsibility to guide the ritual to its finish.



The Color

You’ve mustered your troops, now its time to outfit them. You’ll want to make them drink the same thing. A common drink reinforces the shared experience and strengthens the ritual. You don’t want to charge into the teeth of the enemy with one guy wearing a kilt, another a sombrero, and the guy with the Purple Hooter? He’s wearing pajamas, for crissakes. Wave aside their cries for different uniforms, impose your will as shot master, and spare the bartender the hassle of preparing a mishmash of drinks. The fact of the matter is, the shot caller can order whatever the hell he wants, so long as he’s paying for the round. They don’t have to like it, they just have to drink it.

So, shot master, what sort of uniform shall your soldiers wear into battle? Think carefully, your reputation is on the line. Better to have them whine under the weight of bourbon armor than laugh at your choice of a Banana Cow blouse. You can’t lose with bourbon, scotch, whiskey or tequila. Rum is exotic but respectable. Vodka is for fancy boys and Russians. If there’s steel to be tested, order Wild Turkey 101. Schnapps is refreshing, but slightly suspect. Jager and Tuaca are safe, but won’t earn you any macho points. Flaming drinks and depth charges are showy but fun. Single malts are not made to be shot. Mixed shots consisting entirely of hard liquors can add variety and adventure. What’s commonly know as “girlie shots” are like berets. Wearing one every now and then is fine, but wear one all the time and you start getting a reputation.

A good rule of thumb is, the smaller the group, the tougher the shot. As the count gets larger, you’ll start running into resistance to hard liquor, which is why most Free For All shots tend to be Kamikazes and the like.



The Toast

You’ve parlayed with the bartender, the troops are outfitted, and you’re ready to leap into the breach, right? Not so fast. As shot master, you must rouse the troops with a little speech, in the form of a toast. Do not let yourself be usurped. Whoever pays for the shot makes the toast. This is a rock-solid rule, there can be no debate.

The toast gives meaning to the act. It can be used to put a red circle around a particular moment, or set the mood for the rest of the evening.

Hopefully you didn’t wait until now to think one up. There’s nothing like a gang of thirsty drunks staring at you to cloud your memory. If you can’t think of anything more clever than “Cheers!” fall back on the tried in true, “Here’s to the next one.” This also serves to remind the troops that there should be a next one, at their expense this time.



Post-Toast Rituals

The Clink: Always touch glasses. It makes a nice sound and serves as an exclamation point for the toast. In the old days the clink was used to trade a slosh of each other’s drinks, so as to discourage poisoning. If you’re doing a One on One, be sure to make eye contact when you knock them together.

The Hoist: After clinking, the shooters raise their glasses high and give a whoop.

The Knock: Some drinkers employ a post-clink, pre-drink “knock wood” maneuver. This consists of rapping the bottom of their glass on a bar top or table. Some do it for good luck, some do it to salute their dead homies, some don’t know why the hell they do it.



The Shot

Take a half breath and knock it back in a single go. Don’t stop to taste it, just let it slide down your throat and go about its business. Invigorating, no?

Post-Shot Rituals

Seal the ritual by slapping the empty glass on the bar or table with a loud bang. Post-shot exclamations of bravado such as, “That’s the stuff!” or “That’ll kill those worms!” are encouraged, as is back slapping. If the shot was not to your particular tastes, feel free to make a face and slap the bar or table repeatedly with your hand.

If you happen to notice someone didn’t finish their shot, it is your duty as shot master to call him out and roundly shame him. Also make a mental note to remove him from the roster of future campaigns.

You may now bask in the residual warmth of having walked through the fire together (unless you did a weak shot, in which case you merely ran through a sprinkler). You led the troops up the hill and planted the flag.

Gaze around from that great height, flushed with victory, and note the many other hills on the horizon. Time to retire your commission, promote one of the troops, and get back on the attack.

I am not a Vodka fan........then again, I've not tried "them" that much.

"Keep walking club"?........educate those who don't know what that means.

Johnny Walker (Blue or Black Label).

I should've known that.......especially since I am hooked on the Johnny Walker Gold Label.

Nooooooo, I am not hooked on it every day......that would make me an alcoholic.

Btw, brodel, where in hell have you been?......I was abpout to send you senales de humo!.

Gotta go watch my beloved Yankees.........too bad I have to work tomorrow....if not, HOY SE BEBE!. JAJAJAJA.

I was on a short trip to the interior of the country (Jarabacoa), relieving myself from all the stress that the city gives on a daily basis.

“Oh, the rapturous, wild, and ineffable pleasure of drinking at somebody else’s expense.” —Henry Sambrooke Leigh

Does anything taste as sweet as a free drink?

What pricks up the ears more than mentions of “open bar” and “free beer?”

Oh, sure, there’s certainly something fine and noble about drinking booze bought by the sweat of one’s own brow, though you may detect a slight salty aftertaste when the tab arrives to plunder your wallet.

The free drink, on the other hand, goes down with no aftertaste whatsoever. It gives all and takes nothing, and is particularly toothsome when your brow hasn’t perspired for a while and your wallet has forgotten what money tastes like.

Of course, anything so universally beloved and in demand will naturally be difficult to come by. At any given time there are only a certain number of free drinks loose in the ether, and they don’t necessarily find their way into the clutches of those who need them the most. Ironic as it may seem, it’s when you’re least able to buy your own that the free drink is the most elusive — it’s hard to earn a buyback when you’re not buying.

There are ways, however, to overcome that cruel circumstance and get the gratis booze flowing in your direction.

First, the obvious tricks:



These are the low-hanging fruit that can be had with a minimal amount of effort and risk.

Art Gallery Openings

On any given Friday, every city and town in the nation will play host to these free wine extravaganzas. Peruse your local free weekly and you’ll find a gaggle of them lined up like fat geese sitting on a fence, just begging for you to mow them down.

Be sure to take note of the opening times, as you’ll want to arrive early — the stocks tend go fast. Arrive late and you’re likely to find yourself performing mouth-to-mouth on a long deceased box of white zinfandel.

You needn’t feel guilty about guzzling all that free wine (and if you’re lucky, beer and liquor) just because there isn’t a highballs’s chance in hell you’d actually purchase one of the wall monstrosities that seem to have been specifically designed to violate your psyche. They don’t really expect you to. As much as he’d like to make a sale, the average artist’s ego is such that he’d rather have 50 broke drunks milling about than a lonely collector actually looking for something to hang above his mantelpiece. They’re happy just to have warm bodies taking up space, and haven’t you always been rather good at that?

As a matter of decorum, you should feign interest in what’s being displayed. No matter how bad it is, and it may well be very bad, resist yelping: “Holy shit! They’re letting retards paint now? Hell, I could paint this. And if I can do it, it can’t be art.”

It’s best to just grit your teeth and murmur, “Well, that’s certainly interesting,” especially since the retard in question is most likely the guy pouring the wine.

Pro: Free cheese and crackers to clear your palate between boxes.

Con: The stocks tend to run out early. All the box wine in the world may not heal the psychic wounds.

Guilt Factor: None. You’re essentially a paid extra.

Brewery/Distillery/Winery Tours

This might involve a drive, so make sure you ask around before you make the trip. Check if there’s a tour charge (rare in the U.S.) and how many samples you can expect to receive during and/or after the tour. Some companies are quite generous with their product, others will give you a single glass and something to fume about on the way home.

Pro: If you pay attention, you might learn something.

Con: Some tours are as exciting as a field trip to a cardboard box factory.

Guilt Factor: None. They’ve got plenty to spare.

Beverage Promotions

Belly up to a computer and sign up for the newsletters of every major liquor, beer and wine company you can find. Many of them conduct national taste tours and you’re likely to receive an email invitation when they roll into town. Note: the more prestigious companies are far more likely to tour — Mogen David and Popov don’t get out on the road much.

You’ll have to endure a bit of propaganda and perhaps a slide show, but if you’re aggressive they’ll give you as much as you can put down (within reason).

Pro: The hooch is usually top rate.

Con: You better like their product, because that’s all you’re going to get. Some also require semi-formal dress.

Guilt Factor: None. All they want in return is your word of mouth, and who doesn’t speak well of free booze?



Unlike the generally democratic nature of the previous events, these free-booze bashes require a certain amount stealth and guile.

Business Conference Mixers

Pick up a copy of your city’s financial magazine or newspaper and you’re likely to find a directory of upcoming business and industry conferences. They usually take place in large downtown hotels. When the conferences get out, the attendees are usually invited to open-bar mixers that are relatively easy to infiltrate. You’ll want to wear a business suit and scout ahead, as some will want to have a look at your name tag or pass. If that’s the case, you can attempt to bluff it out (I left it in my hotel room! Please don’t make me go back up!) or lurk in the hotel lobby until the mixer gets rolling along — when enough people start coming and going the security will grow lax. Walk in with a group and act like you belong there. You’ll find the booze tastes all the sweeter when you know a fat cat corporation is picking up the tab.

Pro: Top shelf booze may well be for the taking.

Con: You might wake up with a new job.

Guilt Factor: None. It’s your duty to stick it to the Man.

Wedding Receptions

The bigger the wedding, the better your chance of slipping in unnoticed. The social section of your local newspaper give you all the information you need. If the location of the reception isn’t mentioned, show up at the wedding and follow the crowd. Make sure you memorize the board announcing the names of the recently betrothed and stay well away from them. They’re the only ones who will know you don’t belong there. You won’t want to do a lot of mingling, as difficult questions might be posed. The big expensive wedding are more likely to have a wide open bar, but even the most understated affair will usually offer free beer and wine. A caveat: ethnically polarized weddings are difficult to penetrate if you’re the wrong hue.

Pro: You’ll have a good chance of hooking up.

Con: You may have to surrender your dignity to the Chicken Dance.

Guilt Factor: Minimal. How much impact can one extra mouth have?

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Though it requires special skills and perseverance, done properly this scam can turn on a ever-flowing spigot of free hooch.

Pose as an Online Booze Reviewer

Build a slick alcohol review web site, even if that means making up or stealing a passel of reviews. Then use email, snail mail and your telephone to request samples for review. If they ask, lie through your teeth about how much traffic you receive. You’d be surprised how many companies, especially the younger brands trying to make a splash, will send you a full bottle of their product. Keep it up long enough and you might even become legit.

Pro: The booze comes to you.

Con: Web skills and some actual work are required to pull it off.

Guilt Factor: Not much. The follow-up calls and email inquiring about the status of their upcoming review might haunt you a tad.



This is a perfectly acceptable and traditional method of securing free booze, so long as you convince yourself that you’ll eventually “get them back in spades.”

The Pop In

We all have at least one friend who likes to stay stocked, and isn’t it time you stopped by for an impromptu inventory inspection? The pop in is vastly superior to the call ahead because, one, he might say no, and two, he might hide his inventory. Oh, he knows you, all right

Give your friend a chance to offer you a drink, to which you should reply, “Maybe just one.” This will relax his suspicions and save him the trouble of stealthily relocating his 12 pack to the vegetable crisper.

If he doesn’t make the offer, a casual “You got anything to drink?” should earn you a starter. After that you’ll have to rely on your sparkling personality to keep him from announcing that he has to go take care of some errands he’d forgotten about, and no, you can’t hang around until he gets back.

Pro: Mooching off your friends doesn’t feel like stealing.

Con: Do it too often and you won’t have any friends.

Guilt Factor: Minimal. Remember that time you graciously let him crash on your lawn? He owes you, man.

The Last Call Con

Drop into your usual haunt near last call and touch base with a single friend or even a casual acquaintance who you know has hooch at home. Search the room for two attractive females, preferably strangers, then tell your friend, “Hey, I know those two babes. They love to party. Want me to see if they’ll join us for some cocktails at your place?”

If he’s drunk and single enough, he’ll grin and nod like an idiot. Tell him you’re going to set it all up. Approach the girls and, if you’re actually that bold, ask them to join you for drinks. If you’re not that bold, or they say no, engage them in idle chit-chat for a moment.

Regardless of their response, rush back to your buddy with the fantastic news: “It’s all set, dude! I gave them your address and they’re definitely coming over after they pick up some smokes. The cute one really digs you, man!”

Once you get to his place, dive into the booze immediately. Then pretend to wait, drinking as fast as you can. Say things like, “They were pretty loaded, I hope they didn’t get in an accident,” and later, “Those goddamn whores! Toying with our emotions like that!” After an hour he’ll start getting upset, but hey, now you’re too drunk to drive home. Ask if you can crash on his sofa and as soon as he hits the sack, it’s a wide open bar, baby.

Pro: You get to bond with your buddy because, “Hey, those bitches dissed both of us.”

Con: You might have to suffer through a long, harrowing monologue about how he just can’t find the right girl.

Guilt Factor: Major. Dude, that was totally cold.



These are the least honorable and most dangerous of the free drink gambits. They should be employed only as a last resort.

Ladies Night Transvestite

Your average city offers free drinks for the ladies nearly every night of the week, and it hardly seems fair, does it? Well, you may be interested to know that a few daring men have chosen to fight back against this blatant discrimination by bravely exploiting a little-known loophole in the system: they become ladies night transvestites. And so can you.

Those interested in maintaining a shred of dignity and self-respect should opt for a kilt rather than an actual dress. Many bartenders will be amused enough to let you take advantage of the system. This tactic is especially effective in states prohibiting gender preferences in bars, forcing them to rename their ladies nights as “skirt nights.” Note: I’m not talking about full drag. You’re not trying to convince the bartenders you’re actually a woman, you’re trying to exploit their sense of the absurd.

Pro: Women are more likely to hit on a man wearing a kilt or dress.

Con: Men are more likely to hit a man wearing a kilt or dress.

Guilt Factor: Not much guilt, but lots’a shame, man, lots’a shame.

Alchemy for Alcoholics

Stop by a busy bar and order an ice water with a lime (tell the bartender you’re a designated driver). Stake out a position as far from the bar as possible and wait until a stranger passes by, then “accidentally” bump into him and spill your drink. There’s a better than fair chance he’ll offer to buy you a replacement, and if he does, tell him you were drinking a vodka or gin and tonic.

Some caveats: Let him go to the bar by himself, if you tag along the bartender may get wise. Make sure your glass is full, people are less willing to replace a half-finished cocktail. Choose an affable looking male who’s had a few — women, tough guys and the sober are much less likely to come through. Spilling the drink on yourself will double your chances of success. Don’t act angry, no one wants to buy an asshole a drink. And finally, realize that scamming drinks off fellow drunks is considered the lowest and most shameful form of free-drink foraging.

Pro: The generosity of fellow drunks may reaffirm your faith in humanity.

Con: Can only be used once per bar per night, and if you get caught you’ll most likely earn a permanent 86.

Guilt Factor: Major. Profuse thanks might help, but not much.

I’m with the Band

Locate a bar or club that hosts a lot of out-of-town bands and doesn’t know your face. Check out their schedule, then arrive early in the afternoon the day a non-indigenous band is scheduled to play. Introduce yourself as the bass player and take a seat at the bar.

Inform the bartender that the rest of the boys are taking showers at the hotel and will be along shortly. If the bartender happens to know the band, tell him you’re filling in for the bass player because he broke his hand in a fistfight at the last gig.

If the bartender hasn’t already poured you a drink by then, politely inquire as to whether the band has a tab or gets drink tickets. They most likely will, in which case you should settle in and drink like a rock star. Just make sure you excuse yourself to “see what’s taking the guys so long” before the real band shows up.

Tips for success: Try to look the part. If you have a musical instrument or even an empty guitar case, bring it along. If you really want to play it safe, research the band on the Internet before you show up, as this will save you the embarrassment of explaining why you lack the accent and breasts the bass player of a Finnish all-girl band might be expected to possess.

Pro: If you drink fast enough you can guzzle all your “band mates” drink tickets.

Con: Unless you’re a master of disguise, you can’t go back in that bar for a very long time.

Guilt Factor: Depends on what you think of the band. If they suck, well, maybe they’ll play better sober

I Hear, one reason I don't like to live in big cities......too much traffic, people and noise.

I thought about going to Jarabaoa when I was there at the end of last month but my trip was short........not a pleasure trip to I didn't go for many days.

Pero na', I'll be back in a few weeks.........y a GOZAAAAAAAAAAR se ha dicho!.

Voy a beber tanto que hasta al agua mala de alla' le voy a meter mano.JAJAJAJAJAJA.

The witty repartee is scintillating

The witty repartee is scintillating Jajajajajaja etc hysterical raucous